"Sometimes I don't want to heal." Ever feel like that?

I have found that phrase rolling around in my thoughts a lot lately. While I might feel like it's because of the healing process that I feel the way I do, I know in my brain that it's really because of the pain and the wounds.

I had a HUGE trigger happen a couple of weeks ago. My daughter and I were discussing abuse in her health class. It was completely age appropriate. Well, she is 10 years old. The age I was when it first happened to me. During that conversation, that reality hit me and I have been reeling from that blow ever since. The range of emotion and feeling the pain as I try to connect to the 10 year old girl I was has been unbearable at times. It was especially difficult the first couple of days. Then, I went numb. I shrieked back into my survival mode and disconnected. It certainly wasn't anything intentional. I know better. I've been in this process long enough to know better. My brain did it anyway. It's what it has known from a very young age.

Fortunately, last week, I recognized that I had retreated to my survival mode. I made apologies to those who I hurt in doing so. See, that's something I have learned through this process. While I am in survival mode or disconnected from my feelings, I can not feel how my behaviors and responses affect those around me and I end up hurting them. I become very controlling, more so then usual. I respond with intense emotions to things that really aren't a big deal. It's not pretty living with me while I'm in this mode. As I said, fortunately, I recognized it within days rather than months like I use to and made amends immediately.

Now, I'm just trying to be patient and kind with myself. I am surrounded by some wonderful, safe people who walk beside me and gently love me back to truth. The messages I am hearing in my head about myself, once again, are a battle and need to be handled with care.

I was reading something this morning that reminded me of why God directs my attention back to times in my past when I was wounded. There are messages I believe and vows I have made because of those wounds. Those messages and vows are not based on truth. They have been left unattended and I have developed behavior patterns (responses, reactions, etc.) based on those messages and vows. God desires to lead me in identifying those messages and vows, realizing how wrong they are and how wrong I've been for believing them, ask forgiveness for acting upon them, then going through the practice of renewing my mind or replacing those messages and vows with truth. He brings me back so that I can identify and remove those things that keep me from close relationship with Him and with others. He brings me back because He loves me too much to let me stay in that place of believing such lies. He brings me back because He doesn't want me to stay in that place where I can't experience who He truly is and His unconditional love for me. He wants me to understand who He created me to be, to understand that I have purpose and potential beyond what I can imagine right now, and to understand but more importantly simply FEEL His love for me.

I've realized over the last several days that I can be deceived into thinking that I have no more hidden parts of my heart. That all has been revealed and I am no longer struggling with those messages and vows. The last several days has revealed to me that, in itself, is a huge lie. Through this latest trigger, God has shown me that there are still parts of my heart that need His healing touch. I will set my heart and mind to follow His direction, not fully understanding, just fully trusting.