I'm sitting here wondering whether or not I should write this post.  It's not an easy one.  I feel it may even feel a bit contradictory to some of my earlier posts.  However, this issue is continuing to occupy space in my thoughts so I feel I need to try to write.
 
I have written in the past how I feel about the role God plays in the abuse I and many others have suffered.  I've not only written about His role in abuse but in all things bad that happen.  I have written that I don't feel such a wonderful, loving, good God could have anything to do with evil and bad things.  This has been challenged over the last year.  God is increasing my understanding.  Here's how...
 

 This morning I read Isaiah 45:7, "I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the Lord, am the one who does these things."  Do you see how this verse "stares down" my previous paragraph as if to say, "Oh really?".  This is not the only verse I have read with this "tone" in it.  There have been many, over this last year, that have made me think, "hmmm...".  If I'm being honest here, I have found myself wanting to skip them over or just ignore them completely. As I sat and pondered this, heavily, this morning; I turned to a commentary (as well as others) I frequently enjoy consulting, David Guzik's Commentaries on the Bible.  He sheds light on the history of this verse and the verses all around it by informing us that there was a very common belief of the people in Isaiah's day that there were two gods; a god of good and a god of evil.  God gave Isaiah the task of teaching the people that there is not one good and one bad, "as in a dualistic "yin and yang" sense."  Sound familiar?  I'm going to directly quote David's next three points:
 
"ii. But God has no opposite. Satan is not and has never been God's opposite. There is one God. He is not the author of evil; evil is never "original," but always a perversion of an existing good. Yet God is the allower of evil, and He uses it to accomplish His eternal purpose of bringing together all things in Jesus (Ephesians 3:8-11 and 1:9-10). If God could further His eternal purpose by allowing His Son to die a wicked, unjust death on a cross, then He knows how to use what He allows for His eternal purpose.
 
iii. "Undoubtedly the Lord is no representative of evil as such, but He does make use of evil so that it may bring forth good." (Calvin, cited in Butlema)
 
iv. When God does great, miraculous things, it is easy to believe that He is in control. When times are hard and the trials heavy, we need to believe it all the more."
 
These three points screamed in the face of a post I wrote early last year, "Is God Behind Every Trial?".  Alright, maybe that's a little too dramatic but all of this, starting with the verses, made me ask myself this question, "If I believe that all good things that happen, all the blessings in my life are all because of a God who loves me way beyond what I can comprehend or understand; then shouldn't I believe the same when it comes to evil and bad things?"  I have been meditating on the same thought for months that David Guzik brings out; God is not the author of evil, He is the allower of evil.  There was a time "author" and "allower" meant one and the same to me.  That's where I believe I have been "stuck".  God has slowly begun walking me through the process to understanding the difference between these two words.  There really is a huge difference.
 
After meditating on all of this I have come to a conclusion.  I need to be ok with the fact that I do not understand everything there is to understand about God and His ways (Isaiah 55:8, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways").  To continue to try to explain, whether to myself or others, why bad things happen and God's role in evil, is really an arrogant way of thinking and behaving.  It wreaks of the sin of pride which is what got satan and Adam and Eve in their predicaments in the first place.
 
Since I began changing the way I view "author" vs "allower", more of the Bible makes sense to me.  He is God and I am not!  There is much I will not understand until I reach heaven and shed this puny, human understanding I am shackled with.
 
Allow me to close with this...if you have been on the receiving end of evil and bad things and you are reading this post thinking God doesn't care about or love you because He allowed these things to happen; I just have to tell you I get that.  God gets that.  What helps me through those feelings is remembering that just because I was abused does not mean that I did anything to deserve it.  God was not punishing me. I know, that I know, that I know I was innocent.  Just as Job knew way beyond a doubt that he was innocent.  I've been reading his story again and can see how we as humans so easily want to put blame on ourselves in thinking that we did something to deserve evil things happening to us or, in the case of Jobs friends, want to put the blame on the person the evil has happened to as it being their fault in some way.  Here's where I see my pride in thinking I have to understand it all.  I don't.  This way of thinking only results in us feeling heaps of shame upon ourselves and that, my friend, is not what God wants.  God wants us to focus on the good that He promises to bring out of the bad, the evil. I don't see anywhere that He wants us to focus on the "why".  If this is what you are feeling, I encourage you to tuck this post away for now.  Seek for yourself who God truly is.  He will show you.  I know because He has been walking with me in this process for almost 7 years now.  The truth and understanding He has unvealed to me about Himself is beyond words.  It is only because of being in this place of truth and understanding that He has brought me to that I am able to look at this aspect of my faith and relationship with Him and surrender to and trust Him.  I know that I know that I know that God is good, in control, and He knows best how to use what He allows for His eternal purpose!
 
I'm still not sure that I have articulated things very well here.  I will most likely be back with more thoughts and try to expound more as God gives me more understanding.  What an adventure! :)